..\ 2024-12-29 i wish humans where more like bonobos, mabye we can change that PBS | Evolution: "Why Sex?" [Chimps vs. Bonobos] 2024-12-18 it seams to me, when you start asking the question, "what am i suposed to be doing", instead of just doing somthing, thats when purpose and meaning start to fall apart. self doubt hurts. i guess the goal is to find what situation causes the least self doubt? 2024-12-11 you know what we need to do. put a fabric strip on the short side of blankets. it would make life better. i think :) 2024-12-07 there are so many religons of people what is a religon of a empty room a quiet night in the forest the sound of a still lake what is that? 2024-12-06 new goal figure out how to take up as few resources as possible food, money, space, mental requirments of others, all in the intrest of focusing on what is important to me exploring with people, making acsessible art, being out in the woods i just have a feeling that i need to hide right now 2024-12-06 i don't feel like i can talk here at my parents house not about the thing i care about anyway i guess i care about the wrong things i hate strip malls i hate cars i hate feeling like a croud of people now how are going to survive, huh you had to ignore those thing in order to create your art im hiding in my closet in the dark right now im living off savings paying my parents $606 a month how are you going to survive? there are few things i care about perhapes thats a me problem but i love the things i care about i love the mountains i love walks outside i love the art i'm making right now i love going on adventures with friends the fuck, don't take that away from me here is what the voices say "art is a prilage" "it's what you get to do if you earn the money to have the free time to do it" "your meaning in life "the thing that gives you purpose" "its not legit" "what is legit is a job at a company" where the fuck is the personal way or surviving eh? the viseral conented way of living eh? nothing feels more meaningless and sad than working for a company "work so you can 'have fun'" "work so your life is meaningfull" "work so you get to go on walks" "work so you get to eat" i was goin jsut fine but then i was reminded of the world i don't dawoiehflwiuehflaiwuehflawiuehflaiwuhfelawiuehflaiwueflwa EFwa;oehflwaiuehfliwaufliauwlfiuahewfliuwahefliuhwafelihuwaliehufa ooga boooooga "what a spoiled idiot" "grow up" "get a job" "money stuck" THE FUCK SHUT UP I CAN'T THINK WITH VOICES LIKE THAT IN MY HEAD I CAN'T FIND MEANING WITH STUFF LIKE THAT IN MY HEAD i don't want my deapest hearts desire to be dumb and stupid THE FUCK it was going so well now i've lost focus self dought is comming back get that shit out of here "good" "now you can't do anything" "you're stuck in closet now" "you get to think about the things that suck meaning from you" "and create people in you mind who judge your position" "who discredit the things that give you purpose" ~purpose is just stubornmindedness~ ~openmindedness is meaningless~ the fuck :) thats true and not true at the same time 2024-12-01 the best thing you can do when you start to feel that you've over complicated a system is start over. the important parts are in your mind and you can still write those down. get ride of all the bloat and simpliyfy down to the esisial pieces of logic. what are you looking to achive. perhapes your code is solving the wrong problem. are you forgeting how the system works? then its probebly time for a rewrite. 2024-12-01 i had another bad dream about school this time i convinsced myself that i was going to collage i woke up hyper ventalating, took a second to calm down i couldn't give three fucks about going to school again 2024-11-07 :( Japan’s ‘Valley of the Dolls’ This Japanese Town Replaced Humans With Scarecrows 2024-11-06 made a song today on the laptop feelin epic :) guna make a music vid for it i think very fun low comitment project 2024-11-04 What "Follow Your Dreams" Misses | Harvey Mudd Commencement Speech 2024 in the prosess of desspising what i have just done for the past month and a half i wil forget the beutiful parts of it, and focus on the parts that hurt me. 2024-11-03 i feel like this right now exspect replace "dev environment" with "music making environment" computers suck i'm stick and tried of thinking about all this none of it is inspireing it all enticess you in with an idea thats beutiful then the reality is that you don't know how all the parts function well enough to get it to work i was dreaming last night dreams show me the parts of life that are important to me compters are not in my dreams people and locations are in my dreams exploration is very important to me there's alot of exploring old large abandoned buildings in my dreams there are strange sounds in my dreams i want to find those strange sounds in real life i was going to try and make bespoke software for some of the physical devices i have around me i don't think this is worth it the whole rabbit hole has been simply depressing i have not made any progress i've just gotten more confused i give up i'm going to just deal with software that already exists 2024-10-31 here's the plan. if the rpi5 can run some of the games i love then i will consider keeping it. if not i have no need for it's power hungery exsistance. and i'll stick with the pi4 been considdering a pi zerow2 as well its the most power effienct one. 2024-10-31 yeah i'm remebering why the alure of bespoke electronic musical instruments was strong for me. it's whole function is self contained in a physical manor. i guess thats why people like eurorack right. i'm tired i wish i went to that halloween party i didn't want to drive the 30 min there then back at night i hate driving alone its... sad... esspecaly at night shoulda just asked my firend strait up, "yo if you're planing on going, you think ya could pick me up, ill help pay for gass" instead of "you goin to that party tonight?" then wait for a followup before asking because when he answered he was already there at the party "yup im here" fuck i wish i was there :( i really wish i went im tired of my family, i need to move out they don't question stuff to hard my mom and younger bro like halmark it drains we did watch somthing together though that was fun i guess i tend to focus on what im unhappy with im tired im stressed out i want to get into a better situationone where im happyer worrieing about all this technical stuff has not helped much it feals like i want to make more art forget about all the technicalities fuck off youtube im not touching you 2024-10-30 fuck. i was worried i should had waited before buing the rpi 5 really only sinking in now, just how expensive it all was. still need to work on that i guess. i was depressed, post cammping blues hit me real bad. the RPI4 was 30 used i just bought the RPI5 new for 70 here's the problem. there's alot of new art being made right now. games in particular are using facnyer and fancyer game engines. ex.most newer games are using opengl 3.3 as a min. the pi 4 cannot do that. the ripi can. these experimental games are important to me. friken 0n0w, good god that game is beutiful. if i only us the pi4 that means i won't be able to instatiate those high mem cost games into reality. friken Rain World??? its beutiful. and its been sectioned off to a certain set of hardware. if i go with the rpi4 than i would have to wait till i'm around computers that are powerful enough to host those artistic experiences. what i do NOT want to do is section off a piece of art because the artist didn;t think about the cost of using high fedelity graphics... like is that a bad thing??? the ignorance of artist. who sits and paints all day. unaware of the world around. fuck idk. you know what i'm talking about. say vr art. you must own vr to be able to interact with that art. thats kinda gross. right? i mean, most video games are "games" to be fair. not really any kind of art. friken idk "Control" the game. looks very nice but, fuck, the physical material required by a computer to create those images. i'm overthinking this too much probelby. all computers are environment sucks. all computers where at one point new. and created to maximize power. at least rpi's are made with power efiency in mind. what is ther perpose of this personal device? - to be able to create compterized art that can be view/run on as many other compters as possible. - be able to create art in the moment. coding new tools takes a long time man. i don't want to have to reinvent the wheel. - be able to host other people's art. - vedios are easy, unless i'm looking to go older than the rpi3 - images are fine - games. this is where it gets dicey. we could get rid of this point all together and rely on other computers in the environment for acsessing these pieces of art. I've thought about this alot. making art and consuming art seem inconpatable. should the hardware force you ito one of those modes? like how one might need diffrent rroms for diffrent tasks. or should you have your brain do that? two seprate devices? on for "gaming" on for "creating". or just cut to the chase and do one device??? right?? i guess we'll check to see if the pi5 can do most of what i'd like to get out of it. the gods of "reuse" are very angery right now. many ideas on the internet of reusing old tech. or at least staying compatible with old tech... bro its depressing. there is extream beuty in using somthing old in the age of "new". there are so many "old" "crappy" computers. its awsome when they are able to keep doin stuff. so now there is a rpi4 and rpi5 in my possetion. do i wait 5 years then, the pi 5 becomes old right? XD its all kinda stupid right??? now i got myself thinking about using a rpi3? god i'm not stable. the whole purpose of this was to find a stable computer. fuckin linux is being dumb. i'm numb to the frustration at this point. i try to get it so i can record puredata via pipewire. hah. no worky for you :) you don't get to record the epic noises you're hearing right now. Blockhead? you favorite DAW ever? nah fuck you :) the box64 emulation does not work with its precompiled c code. the computers keep saying fuck you. im gettin close to saying fuck you back. i'll just create my own daw, my own synths. that way it just works. fuck linux audio. its to complex for me to understand, it breaks to much. ok here's what im seeing rpi3 - base line 2.5amps rpi4 - 3 times more powerful than the rpi3 3.2amps rpi5 - 3 times more powerful than the rpi5 5.2amps deminishing returns happening here mabye? no its geeting more efficent i think. idk, i can't find any graphs online. huh thats strange, so its not that they get more power efffiecent they can just do more stuff fuck fuck fuck i need someone to bounce ideas off of or mabye not, it will work itself out, tech wil die, or it will stay forever what matters? i like math. i figured out what it is :) "low-techno-fetishism" thats what the peremacomputing comunity is XD excuse my rudness, i'm joking hmm maybe i can use puredata inside of reaper?? i think i miss about blockhead is that it was always recording. you'd imporvise, hear somthing cool and be able to grab the audio. there's no pressure of the record button. 2024/04/10 the things i spend the most time with are my tecnoigies. what does that say about me? how are you going to survive? 2024-09-23 kleltish just unlocked a memeory as i walked down the stairs :) i was holding a pancho as i was going down sneeking plastic noises the taste of cranberries and toothpaste the shape of the cranberries, red i remeber seeking into the snack coboard and taking craberries up to my room you had to be carful otherwize the plastic bag would make lowd sounds would problebly have to carful of the cobaord door as well they always tasted funny i would brush my teath bewfore so they tasted of toothpaste oh man, i loved playing mega man x on that old phone i've been seeking tecnoligy use at night for a long time its very nostagic for me :) its my happy place and my freedom 2024-09-19 i need to write this down before i forget/ be come complacent to being back at my parents place. i need to put it into words so it becomes instaciated. i really just fully realized the situation of this house i've grown up in. i've just experienced that life can be lived extrreamly diffrently. that the situation that my parensts live is not in any way "the way things work". its streange because logically you know this. but you don't KNOW it. it feels like ive just betrayed somthing. being back here i'm going to have to compecate with alot of reading and media consumption, as far as issues of protesting and actevism go. because i know if i don't then... no, stuff is diffrent now, somthings changed. how life can be lived in a more awnest way. cause thats the probelm. its ignoring the bad stuff that happens. not liking change because its diffrent. not wanting to be wrong. no no no no. the goal should be to learn and fill the role that is needed. consumerism realy truly does make us focus on what we want. there's so many good things i've just stepped off from and i want to go back bad. you know how they say, "home's not a place, its a fealling". thats this right now. i don't feel at home in this house i grew up in. its nostalgia has turned. the location has become more of what it is in my head. more so than it was before. i see the abcent conversation, the closed doors, the screens being used to pass the time. its sad. i have been given perspective. i really don't want that to go to waist. here, i'm going to need to put more effort into educating myself because obviously i was not doing a good enough job before. down in fort collins the comunity i experienced was diffrent. i really need to know if there's something like that here. or if i need to just find a way to becaome part oif that space over there. the look around doing wwoofing is needed i think. if stuffs guna change i need to learn what my environment is. because there i felt more at home with my body. its not somthing i can say in words. i had less disforia between my words and my body. i said what i was thinking, i learn to do, instead of thinking about what to do. really really. thinking in words kills you. i just feel stuck here at this place. my parents house. where can i go? where are the places here that are simular to the places i experienced up that way? the fuck, i've just been blind. this was not ok. i've started to learn whats happening with palestine. like i knew it was a problem but no no no. in the same way, i did not KNOW. exsusess really shouldn't be an option here. i got to be in meetings with people who spend abunch of time working on protests. people who get to grips with where taxes are going. people who are intreaseted in learing about the reality of things. its just the thing of, a person who cares deeply about somthing, its inspireing, and i want to learn about it, why do you care about it so much. that is inspireing. my brain is still over there. i'm not happy that i came back. i need to move again. this is not ok. remember the hike under the moon. remember the casual talk. (its been a while) remember the people and their passions for lifes things. remember the art metalworks building. remember the kindness the words the room upstairs watching the office reading dorohedoro reading the protest papers listening to the podcasts the handmade bike park the trading of zines that one persons shaing of how to be kind to yourself and your body. i almost cried. noything like that has been felt in person for me. i haven;t felt like that in a long time. remember not so it becomes nostalgia but so we can do it again. become involved. join in the actions that conjoin with what needs to be done. i need to change the vocabulary. the words and pharses im using are not apropriate. i need to email the person at FoCoAgainstCapitailism about their website. if theres anything i can give its my technical knowlage. i want to know how i can make the dreams come true. i fucking want to know how to live life with people. this world. 2024-09-04 now that i have quit i will atemt to be as hands on with life as possible hold real true reality in my hands get to grips with what my computer is understand each of my tools inside out so i can fix them so they become part of my mental mythos to experiment with a way of living that is not layered with superfulus junk that is focused on exsistance and the people and emotions within it im done being entertained let start destorying things rip the soul asunder with the pure energy of exsistance 2024-08-21 no no no somthing has riped the soul asunder what is this? quit the job good bye people what to do? what is this thing life? it hurts? in the way wishing for somthing diffrent hurts. god. where are people. 2024-07-29 19:24 you know what i think i learned from the manga A Bride's Story? that back in that day, movies books and all that was not necicary, life was too full of real stuff. 2024-07-28 00:01 i wonder if its easier to separate yourself from others because of tequniligy. i have a friend who ended their frinedship with anther person. this was all done through Discord. i dont know... i wouldn't know i guess. i've never been in that situation... 2024-07-22 22:10 my dream is to live in a small town somwhere. where the whole town colectivly tries to tend to greenhouses and grow our own food. cities have to many people. a single family surviving in the wilderness is prideful and unessisary. in this small town, i would do my best to learn about plants and help care for any technoligy that happens to be still alive. 2024-07-21 23:21 i wonder the reason why i have never experienced, viseral, loathing for a person is because i've never really tried to KNOW someone. firends are friends. we keep our distance. or i keep my distance? meta analysis of friendship sounds dangerous, or good depending on the flavor. its easy to look at something from afar and take both sides of the argument. or at least try to argue for both. is that what i do to friends? look from afar? i see conflict happening. i am not part of the conflict. because i stay separated. im scared. i wonder what gets left out of the stories we tell. thats somthing i need to remember. the truth is within what the story is told as. fully trust and distrust the storyteller at the same time. (fuck like thats possible) they were talking about how * is so amiable and it anoys them. i am also amiable. i see myself in the person you are hating on. i also like to hide my emotions. hide them in the code and in the music. it almost... perhapes its ok to just hate on someone? to fully say, they are a bad person, don't bother with them. no, no, no thats bad right? but your suporting your friend? right? or is the "truth" more important. i huess truth in emotion is non exsistant right. "truth" has no moral opinions, no emotions. "truth / exsistance" just is. its is all of everything. all the opinions, all the perpectives. right? i like the mountains, and i like trees and rivers. they dont try to have opinions. they don't try to fill a spesific social hole. if we've lost anything from the days of monkey it would be that. we no longer are just trying to survive. its all social strangeness... don't over think just be and do? no thats also bad. but no. what would it be like to be a tree? would i wish to be a human? would i not even think about that part. i really to wonder what would happen if we got rid of all the social shit, were forced to live in survival. live closer to our suroundings, live closer to the texture of exsitance rather than the visage plastered on a screen. how would our art change? how would our relationships change?
2024-07-18 09:43
- wants to talk. like we've set up a time on discord to talk. this makes me feel like i am the kind of person people should avoid. "he won't spend time to know you. he won't try to empathize with you, not really. all he cares about is his aesthetics and his art. you will just end up feeling used, just a aesthetic to added to his dreams. avoid this person." i could see - saying that to other people if our friendship decides to go more south. i do not enjoy hanging out with -. i don't like how - tries to be the focus of attention when other people are having fun. one might say - scares me because she reminds me of myself. mabye. i have been lying to - and myself that sometimes i'd like to hang out. that i could care for - - - - - house. it's just not true. i do not like - house. it feels dangerous there, and all the - - - don't help with that feeling.
2024-07-14 01:46 what if there was a place that sold kits of recycled computer parts to make repurpased electronincs. or somwhy that electronics could be more acsesable. i don't know how my laptop works. i don't know how to fix it if something catasorficly broke. hmm. 2024-07-12 00:14 there's a face i can make in the mirror that i absolutly despise, it sends chills all throuhg me, and i become extreamly paranoid for the rest of the night, until i fall asleep. it feels hard to keep myself from foing it. one says curiousity. one says fasination. one says fear. one says there's something in the hallway. one says its all in your head. one writes somthing on this website. hello there! 2024-07-11 23:44 anytime life feels meaningful, is when im not thinking about it. anytime i question it, something twists,,, go down into a spiril of second guessing. how my feelings of meaning are atched to human emotion only because its a old mechanism evolutionaly seletected so that humans continue. its strange is what it is. and not strange at the same time (if anything it feels prefectly logical). what it means to care for people. what it means for there to be too many people. is too many people a thing? it is, right? where does all this population growth go? overcrowded places, people no longer living as we did (in chaotic nature). no know every second of our lives is surounded by human sigils and constructs. the consruct hide reality. no, the construsts are part of reality. but it is diffrent right? the old earth, ground, trees, the planets are the things that (if anything) could be called "the origin", "god", "the old knowlage". i wonder if the univerce is a blank canvas. it has rules, but as to what the rules mean, that is up to each person how thinks they- shut the fuck up. stop thinking, start doing. 2024-06-27 20:51 walked back to my house from my sis's VBS party today. nothin to long, like 30 min. the feeling i got from it is dope. it was super weird seeing the field i was walking through from the persepective of me in the field, rather than from the car's pers[ective on the road. everything felt bigger. there was this epic wind, very cozy. two black birds started chasing me, probly protectin a nest or somthin. the sky was clouded over. the mountains had a visible sky over them, under the cloud. just oh gawdamn. walked past other peoples houses that were part of the same suburbia that i am from. very liminal. i got back home and it felt strangly alien, like i was a stranger, a passer by. i want to feel like this more. hm... seams i don't share my bad days to often thats another thing i've been thinking of. this as a "private" journal really only works if its anonymos right? yeah... i duno 2024-06-23 00:00 end of today was good day. i've forgotten how nice it is to hang out with friends. we played board games, ate pizza, talked. chill chill. was a lill stressful as well. not to bad not to ba. it had been a while since i had seen them so interaction was a bit stiff at first? nah it wasn't it was fine. we're all still trying to figure out how to make time to hang out without school there to put us into the same location. i very worried about being seen as "a man". ick, big ick. i duno. i just want peeps to interact with eachother as indeviduals, not labels. the song im working on right now is giving me some trouble. its ended up in a funky 6,6,3,6 pattern thats hard to just intuitivly make melodies for. one of my firends is also just thinking about buzzing their hair. lets mess shit up. mayhapes. god i don't want to work at amazon anymore, how did i get here. same shit. same dumb shit. i think the thing i hate the most is all the new plastic thatcomes through. just for my small shift 1400~somthin packages go out into the world. and the next day, and the next. its depressing. where does it all go? feels like its all comin from nothin and goin to nothin. 2024-06-22 00:17 im thinking about getting rid of my long hair. I literaly can't function with hair in my face, I require a headband. maybe ill tie it back. thinking of just buzzing it down to a inch. would probebly be pretty nice. legit woried it would make me look more grumpy. i've been thinking in words to much latly. i'm guna try not as i fall asleep. i mean thats how i fall asleep. the instat i stop thinking in words and think in vibes is when the dreams start and i am asleep. 2024-06-17 23:54 the shower drain was taking longer and longer to drain with each day, so i decided to clean it. im linking this to a separate page because the images are genunly upsetting. perhapes because its something so dity in a place that should be clean? -> you have been warned 2024-06-11 21:28 i just watched a beutiful movie with my mom and younger brother. Society of the Snow. its a movie from spain. details the true stroy about a plane crash in the Andes mountains. what the survivors go through. it spairs no detail. if you have the bandwidth to get into the headspace of what that might be like... its rated R and stuff it's a movie about human connection, i think. its meaningful and hopful. also absolutly abismaly discoraging. absurd. it shows panic and pain,,, well? (feels like the wrong word...) as my mom put it, its about the amasing capability of human survival. about how visraly meaningful human relationship is. love? is that what it is? theres one line i think is very important. i can't quote it so ill parahrase. Nando says he does not belive in the god that Numa belives in. "because that god tells me that i want get home. it does not tell me what to do here. i belive in the god that is in the caring eyes of Marcelo when he helps the hurt people here. in the god that is in the hands Gustavo when he cuts up the meat outside, givig to us as just "meat". not telling us who it was from. i belive in these people." once the movie started to get real serious my brother had to tune out, played games on the switch. at least thats what i would call it. he's christan, i don't think it was sitting well with him. he tuned in at the end. to me, this story holds part of the truth of experiance and what it means to live, perhapes? there's too many movies that have no conection to reality, to what is happening, to what is, in a meaningful way. 2024-06-11 23:27 something strange is happening with the drain in my shower. i turn it on to warm up the water. the drain starts backing up. turn off the shower, wait for it to drain. turn it back on. and it won't go back up. kinds spooky. im fealing extreamly creativly restless. i want to make something but i don't. i swear, youtube will be the death of me or some shit. i spend too much time looking at other peoples art and "content". somthing to keep my brain buzzy. >:( i hate computers. no don't say that... last night i could not for the life of me stop thinking about the game go. i was trying to figure out what board to get and stuff. thats a problem of mine. i think WAY to much about buying things. se how many times i've writen "i" here? i need to get out my own head. 2024-06-04 23:25 if i were an old philosopher here is what i would say "I think the problem today is that every thing is very "in theory". Firendships in particular. We think about what we want to happen but never actualize it. Stuff is just let to happen. It feels rarer to have people to just exsist with. We must make plans to meet, or make it an event in order to consistute a sistuation where people can be with eachother. Just as often, silence is not allowed. We have, after all, put aside time for this meeting. Not 'using' it would be a 'waste'." "Perhapes it is because of the way we interact with storys these days. We watch movies, listen to books, watch podcasts, listen to video game play throughs. Something here has been lost. The imideate, intamate nature of physically being in a space with another person. Being board with somone else, thats what we don't have anymore. Phones take care of that. There is no time to slow down." 2024-05-31 00:04 today (or i guess yesterday) was a beutiful day. i went the flowy store with my sis and grandpa. they were having a hangout day. and we just wandered around the place looking at the flowers plants and pots. helped my grandpa pick up some bamboo trees that had fallen over in the wind. M had alot of fun throughing rockis into the creek. i bought a jalapenio pepper starter. we went back to the machanics place, then gandpa took M to lunch. i kinda just drove around downtown a bit after that. found this really dope abanded place. real end of humanity? humanmade things being returned to nature i think it was. thats what i like so much about abanded places. i love to think about what places will be like when they are eventualy return to the trees the grass the dirt, when they become almost more beutiful as objects of remebrance rather than of use. i got some good video, ill post it probebly? i think its cool. drove amlessly, found myself infront of a house i really liked the vibe of. lots of trees. wildly growing lawn. the house was made of wood. i could see some people sting and talking under a conopy. i wondered waht kind of people they were. i half felt the urge to go over there and compliment them on their house. i duno. maybe i shoulda. found a grocery shop and got some fruit drink and a trail mix of nuts and dryed fruit. i was hungery. later when grandpa droped off M at my parents house, me, M and bro V went on a bike ride to get the ingredients for the stew. (which was fucking dope as hell by the way) bikeing around downtown is always exsiting. we had alot of fun with it. when the rest of the fam came back we watched an apocolyps movie after M was put to bed. it was a super dope movie, stupid, over the top, good fun stuff. then we watched a super chill theremin piece to end the night. thats what my day was ------------------------------ right now i'm thinking about instruments, synthisisers. this soma flux thing has really captured my imagination latly. i duno, mabye a little too much. parts of this performance (at 6:52) give me a bit of the Chills of Awe. i dunt know, i have a bad reputation with physical instruments. all the best music ive made has been with a computer. sequeced sound. not performed. these are the physical instruments that i have purcased and sold over the last two years -> Deluge, plumbutter, shnth, THC Recursive machine, Organelle M (links are to a piece i made with them) all of them i felt a certain amount of Chills of Awe. Plumbutter especialy made me learn that esoteric and unique does not coenside with a playable instrument. i have something of a phylesophical oposition agaisnt physical instruments, mainly because if its sound is in a song, the way to reproduce that sound is to own the instrument. physical instrumnets are expensive. makes something of an exclutionarey problem? thats why i want to get rid of the THCRM. dont get me wrong its very cool. i think that i really like my computer. i want to focus down. focus of ways of sound making that im good at. i want my computer to become a spirtual item of creativity. i think that sounds cool. as you can see from the price of these intruments, i have a decent chuck of desposible income. i don't need to worry about the struggles of living on my own. my parents charge me rent ($606 mothly) i guess. i should learn how much it would be to live in a apartment or something, thats what the idea is right? go study some degree or sertification, then do that as your job eh. i don't know... owning instruments makes me feel guilty. maybye i shouldn't, its a wonderful think that im in the situation to be able to play instruments like this, and sahre their sound with the world? the open scorce side of my brain screems at me. physical instruments have somthing that my computer doesn't, STABILITY, they will work 20 years form now no problem. the flux rings somthing within me because it is well made, made to last, it is self contained, made to be performative. perhapes im just speeken shit right now. gawd damn im tired. if not the flux i might get a theremin. i just love the vocal sliding these instruments have. sorry ive focused to much on things that don't matter that much humanly speeking? i think synthesisers are dope as hell. they sound cool because they make unatural natural sounds. i love beutiful music and sound. < been listening to this latly. so relaxing and addetive to the environment its played in. great to listen to when driveing people places. when i think about buying synths, i wish to do as this person does -> XXXX. show people something strange, melocalic, exciting, and beutiful. somthignlike this as well -> ZZZZ. 2024-05-27 21:36 went on a hike today with my lill sis, M, my dad, and my brother, V. V has been acting very high and mighty latly. at least thats how i feal about it. he made his seinor thesis about how he will "do the dangerous thing" and love everyone in a "i you" relationship. i mean thats epic and all, but like. thats not how he acts with our fam. it gives the fealing of, "your waisting my time" ? don't want to share emotions, is on his phone/youtube alot... i dont know. right now he's taking over the computer from my fam who where watching a movie to play overwatch. the whole hike it felt like he just wanted to be somwhere else? he also tries to connect with strangers more than us? i feal like i shouldn't talk about him like this, i dont know. i was an epic hike though, we hiked up to the summit and got to see all the way into the horizon of forever. see the whole city. the went on an epicadventure down the backside of the summit off trail. it was so figen dope :) so so... it was the mountains. there were beutiful big trees, lots of green grass, the stream was flowing.. mmm cinima. words dont do it justice. a good memory of an epic day with fam :) 2024-05-24 11:01 what do you think is more egoic. to have your personal name for your art. or some made up name like "eternal church basement". i've been thinking alot about what artist names mean. what they acomplish. they give anonimity i think is the main thing. thats might be something that is important to me. i dont know, thinking so hard about stuff like this... makes me feel like i don't care about people outside of myself. -> truly care about people. thinking about "oh, waht should my artist name be", makes me feel selfish. 2024-05-24 10:20 there's something i was thinking about as i was trying to fall asleep last night. its of me in this room. this form in this bed with these blankets. its real. like really really real. i dunno, alot of the time, especially with the internet, that... everything gets viewed as a story or lore, even "real" stuff. distant, detached. real life does not feel like that. like how it feels to read a book. by real life i mean what i, as this human body, experience. i feel like i've been watching for the character "me", waiting for them to start living that book. i have a sneaking suspicion that thats not how life works, as a book that is. i've been reading The Thought Reel every day now. i think i might want to start somthing simular here. you know when you find somthing and it just feels extreamly important. perhapes thats a bit starnge to say about someones journal or "compendium of anguish". but i don't know... its interesting to dig through somones mind without their direct interaction? maybe thats even more messed up. no, i feel simular words happening in my head. seeing somone elses words on paper as it were, helps externilize those words? it just made me think about how i have alot of head words that never make it outside of my head. i feel like im just floting along, maybe thats not a bad thing. but.. intentionality, realisation of what your words are, that feals important. maybe recounting brain words, feelings, and events to the void of the internet will help with that. i duno, they said the journal has helped them become more aware of themselves. i'd like to do that too. we'll see on the note of real stuff. there seams to be this starnge thing that somtimes happens with my firends and interactions with people. its the same strange ditachment from them as a physical being. a firend i have at work likes to gave me a playful punches in the sholder. as the touch-starved person i am, this ment alot to me. i felt like we were physically acknowledging eachothers realness. its when real stuff like that doesn't happen... when people don't talk to eachother, in real life that is. or perhapes don't talk with honesty to their emotions? 2024-05-21 10:18 theres been something ive been dreaming / thinking of / wishing to happen latly i want to co-own and live in a house in old town with some firends there are lots of good big old trees there, next to the river, its beutiful grow a garden all around the house, using all the land for food and beutiful plants mabye get my grandma to gift me her old pedal powered shewing machine and live life that go hiking when we can watch experimental movies or whathave you make a band of music inprovisation start a church of agnositcs? i duno, i think all that sounds dope as hell 2024-05-10 00:16 i want somthing to change i need cange or somthing i'm not sure there was this cool scene i came across today there's a section of the ditch/creek where the train tracks and road cross side by side inbewteen them is a very cool and sirean area, a lagoon? a person was playing some old music down there it echoed off the water off the bottoms of the road and the rail-road bridge off the sides of the ditch he was throwing rocks into the water, standing on the patches of grass used a long pole to poke at the water (a monks walking stick i thought) i wanted to say hi but i couldn't well i did say hi, but then imeadietly walked away i wated to hang out with him the beutiful echoy chuoir music the water, rocks and dirt i imaged doing all that but couldn't tell him how cool i thought what he was doing was hmmm, i duno what to do with my life i know what i don't want to do with it i've been listeing to the audio drama Find Us Alive alot latlly i find it so comforting, so beutiful i listened to alot of Adventures in Odessy as a kid mabye that's why i hope not guna try a new recipie tomarrow perhapes i think it could be fun anyways, goodnight :) 20240508 somthing strange happened today i was at my brothers galla/prom party asper the family outing the venue was a large golf corse and club type deal tall ceilings, fancy tables, everyone's wearing fancy cloths i sit at the table for a while with my fam we watch the slideshow im reminded of my seinor year, my class because it remenined me or becasue i expected it to? i miss seeing hem every day i play solitare with my brohter my grandparents leave for the night, its there bed time i see a firend from sinor year i dont say hi and avoid eye contact at all costs its dark now outside the dance music has begun, its uncomfortibly loud i go outside i walk around the building and find a place hidden from the rain im in the utilities section? we have the ac unit, the heater a truck trailer entrance trash and receeling bins and points of contact for water and gas mains there is some good electrionic hum back here its quiet and the rain is misty the lights are golden yellow i stand in the corner there were alot of people in that room i go back and tell the fam im guna go walk to the lake beetween the venue and the lake is the rolling hills of the golf course i walk down the sidewalks ment for the golf carts its dark the ground is wet i see the glow of large houses around the lake the hills feel unatural schreached into unatural positions if that makes sence on one hill i look out over the lake why? why all these houses? all these lit up places? so much electricity i walk down the incline that surounds the lake the inlcine is made of patchy whatevers grass, bush, dirt down by the lake shore i hear the water now there are some dark bushes too my left i take a pee cause i don't want to go all the way back its dark it smells of wind and cold rain of green plants of wet dirt the grass wissles and clicks with the wind in the distance i see two dark monoliths, just infront of the lit up intersection what are those? some strange art piece? i make my way back, fealing extreamly unfit and out of place for the party was it fun? i thought about people i wanted to see more about how i have a job i hate to the core how i stay locked up in the dark of computers and basements? how i wanted to help firends go camping how people drift apart when you dont see eachother every day ill put it here i guess i heard somwhere that friends are the people you see ever now and then family is the people you see ever day i wonder if thats true i want to reduce i want trees to sing the wishppering song of a stream at night concetion deap conection and deep meaning the viseral atachment of nature the unbarible greeness of reality the beuty of rain at night i guess 20240201 there are a bunch of videos on linux all hosted by well to do white middle aged men maybe i'll just stick with windows... i was going to try switching to linux to free up brain space it just ended up taking up more mabye once suport for windows 10 stops i'll switch i duno... technoligy is so unstable i miss windows 7 i guess nostalgaholic or somthin i guess i just want somthing that works somthing that doesn't need to be thought about 20240130 what died so we can watch tv what died so we ware these pants what died so we can ride these bikes what died so i have the time to think like this archived logs -> 2023 dreams