2026-06-27.sigh-oh-yee-continuing-dayz
nanaco is the one who lives in the closet
woke up in the dream
need to leave my room
the closet open
it is not safe
the creature named nanaco lives there
blankets and imobile energy
control as i open the door out of that room
i wake for real
and put on some youtube
sooth some pain inibreated
an old familiar dessretion might settle in
its name known in the pages of my highschool
sad anger, warm and dark
perhapes
only
nope
green
grass
2026-06-25
the ice has melted
i want a computational laguage and machine that is fucking esoteric
nothing with this dumb english keyboard
something absolutly useless
cause lua code is not beutiful when it stops working
organic creatures are beutiful when they stop working
mold and dirt become their bodies
never satisfyed
still learning
trying to find stable
are you not allowed to be at peace?
where is your heaven blanket
why are you words orrdered only to rip others apart
this syntax bothers me
and it makes me want to destroy my computer
this computer should smell of flesh
how does one take care of their body?
please don't forget yourself?
i want to pass out
2026-06-24.sweet-sickness
my breath smells of sweet sickness
the kind of sickness that does not move
the kind that makes you smile
childhood forgetfullness and feaverdream
2026-06-22
thoughts from today
didn't bring enough food for lunch today. body felt drained. went to the grocery store after work and stocked up on food stuffs. tomorrow should be better
want to take nap but lunch break is over.
want to be in physical spaces with people who i agree with emotionally, politically, and computationally. want to escape my current physical environment. knowing how to leave a place i dislike is not something i'm very good at.
"just because its diffrent doesn't mean its better"
spending time in the evening to catch up on the stuff i find important... theres not much time to do that. i should have started sleeping an 1hr ago for 8 hours.
i wana read jojo steel ball run. at least for a second.
2026-06-14....
the only safe space is when i'm sleeping
when i'm half asleep and my brain can escape to somewhere
with a head full of mountain forest, emence amount of comfort in saying -> you are a beutiful way to die :) <3 dry and happy a small pile of pine twings in a sweet spring breese.
i had to come back home from work today because of how depressed i was. almost started crying at work and on the way back. used the "emotional lock down technique". god these are hard to unscrew.
i want to escape to a univercity. learn about synthesis, programing, microcontroller design, and biology. i want to escape my life. i don't want to escape my body. i want my body to escape its environment.
i don't have a place where i can just let my emotions all out. at home their alowd to come out in a slow painful trickle. i have to hold onto my voice otherwise it would break, loudly. no one is allowed to hear. i wish no one was home.
i want a phycietrist. one that would be able to help me escape. i want to quit my job and work someplace else.
and the worse part is that i have work tomarrow. i don't feel like i can do yjayt. i dont want to think about that. i dont wam that to take up brain space. i had promised my body that i would leave. i went back on that promise, and my body is sad. i don't know how to leave places i don't like.
2026-06-13.good-bye-bones
turn off all my pain receptors
crush by bones
snap snap snap
like a bunch of twigs
just as a spring breeze
pleeeeese
2026-06-13
who do we help eachother learn information that we either find uncomfortable or unbalivable.
2026-06-09.im-feeling-done
i wonder if i could be taken off the scedual for sundays...
going to this work hurts so much.
its starting to remind me of the time when i would force myself to go to school. a helpless and powerless sort of feeling.
someone new got hired at work. they are extreamly irony poisoned. this person makes me anxtius. they made it into my end of day thinking about life. please no.
2026-05-21
something will make us better
something will make us worse
seams that its more just diffrent
its asumption i think i make
because i've done something, that means its better
means i've taken matters into my own hands