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Dysphoria

Trigger Warning: i talk about my body, my history of dyscomfort with my body, and my sexual desires.

Been thinking about how social pressures may induce dysphoria.

I want to know how diffrent my dysphoria would be if i had grown up in an evnioronment that was more body positive. I feel like half the probelm is that there are so many ways that certain body shapes and phenotypes are expected to act. a place were people of all diffrent body shape can act without an extream fear of looking "stupid", "ugly", "gay". Words witch never seam to have a singiular meaning but rater a distastful fealing. You find yourself labeled as a cattagory. You find yourself trying to fulfill that catagory in some way.

I'm supicious that the dysphoria i have for my penis has been caused by a society which values sexual "pureity" and abstimance. getting random errections in middle school was low-key tramatizing. I never had a safe place to express this discomfort. A fear of my body developed and was shoved into the wordless subconsious. My physically lived experince was exteamlly minimal. I really have only recently redescovered ways to feel at home in my skin and bones. This is a deep pain that reserfaces when I (the words) am not listeneing to me (the body).

I currently have little to no interest in penitrative sex. My dreams of close physical relationships invole messages, long hugs, skeleton to skeleton contact, slow stimulation. This is why I want a vuvloplasty. If i ever have a close relationship with someone than i'll probebly try to give them as many ways out of the relationship as possible. I wouldn't want them to feel stuck, imposed upon, or pycologically resticted in any way. I wouldn't want either of us to become so relient on eachother that we become able to live without the others presence. Somthing warm and trasitory.

I feel the safe when i'm alone; with trees and with rocks; the kinds of creatures that don't judge. I've learned ways to be kind to myself. Being kind to myself around other people is hard. I take their judjements as my judgments, and that creates uncomfort and dysforia.