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Dysphoria

Trigger Warning: i talk about my body, my history of dyscomfort with my body, and my sexual desires.

Been thinking about how social constructs may induce dysphoria.

I am uncofortable with physical presenting as massculine. My mental image of being male is bot a great one. Its mixed up with emotional standoffishness. Its mixed with the action pattern called "big ego", "selfimportance", "american blame casting", "self justifyed man". I do not relate to the word "Man". I do not want to be called a "Man". For me, there is so much social weight to being called a Man. It means that I am exccerting actions which are being interpeted as belonging to the catagory Man. I dont mionid the slang "hey man", its the phrase "I am a Man" with which i have extream discomfort. I i say that, I feel a mountain expectations, social constructs, and peer pressures crash down on my head.

asertivness (which i don't feel).

I want to know how diffrent my dysphoria would be if i had grown up in an evnioronment that was more body positive. I feel like half the probelm is that there are so many ways that certain body shapes and phenotypes are expected to act. a place were people of all diffrent body shape can act without an extream fear of looking "stupid", "ugly", "gay". Words witch never seam to have a singiular meaning but rater a distastful fealing. You find yourself labeled as a cattagory. You find yourself trying to fulfill that catagory in some way.

I'm supicious that the dysphoria i have for my penis has been caused by a society which values sexual "pureity" and abstimance. getting random errections in middle school was low-key tramatizing. I never had a safe place to express this discomfort. A fear of my body developed and was shoved into the wordless subconsious. My physically lived experince was exteamlly minimal. I really have only recently redescovered ways to feel at home in my skin and bones. This is a deep pain that reserfaces when I (the words) am not listeneing to me (the body).

I feel the safe when i'm alone; with trees and with rocks; the kinds of creatures that don't judge. Being kind to myself around other people is hard. I take their judjements as my judgments, and that creates uncomfort and dysforia. When my self confidence is low, I try to pull my gender from my sorroundings. its extreamly dangerous.